Death Times Two

People who have not done The Journey of death of a child think that time heals and the survivors move on after the raw pain clears (a few weeks or a few months). So often there is a discomfort which causes some friends to withdraw, making the loss even harder. We need our friends, and normalcy, and to talk about our children! Loss is not contagious, and those in loss certainly do not want others to feel guilty. It isn’t time that heals (that’s just a marker), but it’s allowing ourselves to find ‘The Gifts in the Ashes’ — and we need connection.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lbeth1950
    Feb 11, 2015 @ 21:35:28

    One of my friends said her husband went back to work two weeks after htheir daughter died. He started having some difficulties and realized he needed more time. His boss asked, “aren’t you over that yet?”

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  2. Phyllis
    Feb 12, 2015 @ 05:21:46

    I never had anyone to make a comment that insensitive, but then someone who has not “walked the walk” cannot relate. It’s not a club that any of us want a membership in; and the dues are costly.

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  3. mandy smith
    Feb 13, 2015 @ 02:05:39

    This was such a good post, Phyllis. When my brother, my only sibling, committed suicide, the first two people I told, told me: it would be important to keep busy and put it behind me, and the other said to not tell people because it’ll make them feel uncomfortable. I didn’t tell anyone else. Not for decades. Not a good way to deal with it. I wish we could talk about death more comfortably.

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    • Phyllis
      Feb 13, 2015 @ 17:40:08

      As do I, Mandy. However even our relatives cannot relate…only relate-ives can relate. As it was my sixteen year old son who had a car crash, a place inside my being needed to find another MOTHER of a teenage boy who’d had an accident. Those were the ones that I felt such connection and understanding with. It’s rather like looking for perfect shoes for a prom dress – many shoe types and styles fit, but there’s that one distinct shoe style that fits the occasion. It may not be comfortable, it may not last, and it may not need to. It’s just perfect when you need it. Anyone who reaches out and cares is a comfort, a parent who has ‘lost’ a child is a deeper comfort, but the deepest cry within is fed by that distinct one that ‘knows’.

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  4. mandy smith
    Feb 13, 2015 @ 19:16:54

    A great analogy, Phyllis. There’s something wonderful that happens when we give ourselves permission to seek tribe members outside our own DNA. You stated that perfectly.

    Liked by 1 person

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